Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Moving Day


Well, I survived another election campaign. Providing security for a bunch of political-types can be exhausting work, especially when they're jetting across the country, and I have to trail behind the plane through the Canadian winter skies wearing only my red and yellow superhero tights! At least they're thermal. We're talking major shrinkage here, folks. But what can you do?

So, I'm sort of glad Paul Martin is out of office. It was his comments about Harpers' campaign being "deader than disco" that really got me upset. Hello Paul! Some of still listen to Abba and enjoy shag carpeting in our inner sanctums! What a creep.

Mind you, I'm not so sure that Stephen Harper is going to be a great bundle of joy, either. I hope he doesn't go annulling same-sex marriages, just when Captain K├ębec and I were about to tie the knot, thus ending decades of tension between French and English-speaking Canada.

I guess time will tell. I'd like to take about a month off, and head down to Florida for some R&R, but they've got me moving furniture over at 24 Sussex Dr.. Just imagine: me, a superhero, guardian of the peace, moving furniture all day because they're too cheap to hire an agency. Saves the work of ten men, indeed! I might just defect to Cuba.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Election Day Commeth

People think being a superhero is all saving the world from destruction and hanging out with super-powered chicks in tight body suits. Actually, these activities comprise only a small fraction of a super hero's duties.

The other stuff--the stuff you don't see in the comic books--is far more mundane, tedious and workaday, and usually involves sucking up to some government lackey to remain in the loop as far as secret missions, alien abductions, terrorist plots and other lucrative opportunities go.

Basically, I get paid on sliding scale that factors in just how many super-abilities were used in the course of a given mission. It's not so easy to work it all out, and sometimes I have to fight tooth and nail with the accounting department just to prove that I actually did rip open a car with my bare hands to save a family, or suck up the waters of the St. Lawrence in order to put out a flaming building in downtown Montreal.

It's not so easy to make ends meet as a caped crusader these days. It's ok for those American heros who can live off the royalties from magazine sales, back issue sales, and now, from movie franchises. But what's a poor Canadian hero supposed to do? In the off-season I actually run a snow removal business to make ends meet. The government stipend just wasn't doing the trick.

So anyways, with this election coming I'm a little worried, but not so much as in previous ones. If Martin wins, I'll be busy with the new gun control program, rounding up all the privately owned firearms in the nation and stockpiling them in some RCMP bunker in case the Americans realize just how much fresh water we have at our disposal and decide to launch a sneak attack.

If Harper gets in, I'll have plenty of work to do dealing with the increased crime that will come from the dismantling of yet more of our social safety net. When it comes time to deploy Canadian troops in some kind of war effort, to distract the population from mounting problems at home, I will no doubt be enlisted as the patriotic mascot.

Truth is, I'm more and more starting to feel that I'd rather just stay home and leave the crime fighting/world saving to a younger generation. But they seem to be too busy playing video games and downloading music for those Eyepod thingies. Seems like less and less people even care about the 'ol Captain nowadays. It might just be time to slip into obscurity with the other golden age heros like the Scarlet Avenger or the Black Canary, write my memoires and watch some Lone Ranger re-runs.