Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Hello, Blogland

Overseer Q came by the other day with the Captain Canuck Policies and Procedures Manual...you know, the one Joe Clark had written up in his brief stint as PM. Truth is, I never read the thing, but some desk jockey over at Superhuman Resources apparently has, and brought my employer's attention to article 1466.2, Section C, which states:


In the interest of promoting and engendering better relationships between the taxpaying public and Canada's oldest and only federally supported superhero mascot, the Captain shall regularly update and maintain the official Department H weblog.


When Q pointed out that there were only ten posts in total on the blog since it's installation last winter, and that the last posting hadn't been since July 1st (Canada Day) of this year, I smugly replied, "So what? Every day is Canada Day for Captain Canuck!" and went back to watching the Beachcombers DVD that Nelvana gave me on the one year anniversary of the first time we....er....attended Sugar Shack together in northern Quebec.

But Q was adamant that I uphold my public duty and make more regular contributions to the blog. I asked whether he couldn't just hire some young copywriter from Ottawa to whip something up for me, but apparently this would require a reduction in my wardrobe budget...and those flapping red capes with the maple leaf festooned in the middle are darn expensive to have made up!

So I've made this post just to say how much of an honour it is to be Canada's primary superhero icon, defender of the true north brave and free, friend of the beaver, lover of maple syrup and that crazy thing Nelvana can do to your underwear with here telekinetic powers. Yes, superheroing is a difficult and demanding job that I take very seriously, and if I don't post so regularly on the blog, it's only because there are two hundred some-odd Beachcomber episodes for me to review, and then I haven't even cracked open the Reach for the Top box set I got last Christmas.

Ah, those long, Canadian winters....

Canuck out!

Saturday, July 01, 2006

It's My Day!

Example

If there's one day that has the power to get me up off the couch and back out into the public realm it's July 1st, Canada Day. 139 yeas old and still going strong. We have a decisive new government setting the country back on track after years of Liberal decadence. We're rolling back the GST tax and wooing the Francophones. We're revamping the military and cleaning the roof of the Parliament Buildings. And we've initiated a program to repopulate our vast national parks with that lovable rodent cum luxury headware accessory, the beaver.

So, what's an aging superhero to do on such an auspicious occasion? I'll call up Nelvanna and invite her over for drinks and BBQed back bacon. We'll carefully sidestep the issue of Quebec's nationhood and get down to some bi-lingual co-ed celebrations of the 49th parallel, if you know what I mean.

Better get out the sunscreen though; my super powers don't extend to UV-ray protection.

Canuck out!

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Wanna-Wanna-Bing-Bong

....is the new battle cry of Dept. H (or, what's left of it). After the majority of our Field Agents were wiped out by one of Onestar's Spasmatronic Smartypants Bombs, we have had to regroup, rethink, and revisit some of the long-suppressed traumas of our youth.

Of my youth, that is. Yes, growing up an Anglophone superhero in a mostly French speaking corner of Manitoba was difficult, and twenty-some years of electroshockprimalscreami'mokyou'reok therapy has done little to efface the scars.

Ok, memos will be circulated regarding my linguistic insecurities. For now, we have a war to wage. Or do we? It is clear that the Sparkling Monkee Racers have been annihilated. I handpicked most of those monkees myself from the virgin rainforests of Madagascar. It's enough to make a superhero squeeze a genetically enhanced tear from his laserbeam-shooting eye.

But there's no time for that! Even as I sit here in my field tent, writing this report, with the lovely Nelvana searching for her lost contact lens beneath the desk and doing that thing with her prehensile tongue...Nelvana! Not now! Can't you see what's at stake here?

Did you know that Nelvana's first published appearance hit newsstands a full two months before the first Wonder Woman comic, making her the first female superhero in the history of the genre? That's why we still keep her around here at the Department...that and her pulsating marsupial--Nelvana! There'll be plenty of time for that once we've taken The Ridge!

Which ridge, you might ask? Well, I'm glad you did because the answer reminds me of a time when I was but a young super-yearling, sitting on my papa's knee, listening to stories about the Old Country, and how things used to be before a giant volcano destroyed our entire villiage. Ah, but that was long ago...

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Moving Day

Example

Well, I survived another election campaign. Providing security for a bunch of political-types can be exhausting work, especially when they're jetting across the country, and I have to trail behind the plane through the Canadian winter skies wearing only my red and yellow superhero tights! At least they're thermal. We're talking major shrinkage here, folks. But what can you do?

So, I'm sort of glad Paul Martin is out of office. It was his comments about Harpers' campaign being "deader than disco" that really got me upset. Hello Paul! Some of still listen to Abba and enjoy shag carpeting in our inner sanctums! What a creep.

Mind you, I'm not so sure that Stephen Harper is going to be a great bundle of joy, either. I hope he doesn't go annulling same-sex marriages, just when Captain K├ębec and I were about to tie the knot, thus ending decades of tension between French and English-speaking Canada.

I guess time will tell. I'd like to take about a month off, and head down to Florida for some R&R, but they've got me moving furniture over at 24 Sussex Dr.. Just imagine: me, a superhero, guardian of the peace, moving furniture all day because they're too cheap to hire an agency. Saves the work of ten men, indeed! I might just defect to Cuba.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Election Day Commeth

People think being a superhero is all saving the world from destruction and hanging out with super-powered chicks in tight body suits. Actually, these activities comprise only a small fraction of a super hero's duties.

The other stuff--the stuff you don't see in the comic books--is far more mundane, tedious and workaday, and usually involves sucking up to some government lackey to remain in the loop as far as secret missions, alien abductions, terrorist plots and other lucrative opportunities go.

Basically, I get paid on sliding scale that factors in just how many super-abilities were used in the course of a given mission. It's not so easy to work it all out, and sometimes I have to fight tooth and nail with the accounting department just to prove that I actually did rip open a car with my bare hands to save a family, or suck up the waters of the St. Lawrence in order to put out a flaming building in downtown Montreal.

It's not so easy to make ends meet as a caped crusader these days. It's ok for those American heros who can live off the royalties from magazine sales, back issue sales, and now, from movie franchises. But what's a poor Canadian hero supposed to do? In the off-season I actually run a snow removal business to make ends meet. The government stipend just wasn't doing the trick.

So anyways, with this election coming I'm a little worried, but not so much as in previous ones. If Martin wins, I'll be busy with the new gun control program, rounding up all the privately owned firearms in the nation and stockpiling them in some RCMP bunker in case the Americans realize just how much fresh water we have at our disposal and decide to launch a sneak attack.

If Harper gets in, I'll have plenty of work to do dealing with the increased crime that will come from the dismantling of yet more of our social safety net. When it comes time to deploy Canadian troops in some kind of war effort, to distract the population from mounting problems at home, I will no doubt be enlisted as the patriotic mascot.

Truth is, I'm more and more starting to feel that I'd rather just stay home and leave the crime fighting/world saving to a younger generation. But they seem to be too busy playing video games and downloading music for those Eyepod thingies. Seems like less and less people even care about the 'ol Captain nowadays. It might just be time to slip into obscurity with the other golden age heros like the Scarlet Avenger or the Black Canary, write my memoires and watch some Lone Ranger re-runs.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Maskatron Powered by Soft Cheese

Dept. H forensic scientists have determined that it was not the explosion of one of Maskatron's plutonium fuel cells that created the large hole at the site where Fakiegrind Central Headquarters once stood.

Traces of organic dairy compounds in the blast crater have led our experts to believe that the assassin-bot Maskatron is actually fueled by an advanced transubstantiation device that releases massive amounts of energy from the breaking down of elements found in a variety of soft cheeses such as Brie and Sussex Slipcote.

Example

The Canadian government would very much like to examine Maskatron's cheese converter technology in the hopes of finding new solutions to meet growing energy demands. However, the robot seems to be joy-riding through the timestream in a quest for interior decorating ideas, and shows little interest in cooperating with authorities.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Re: In-Car Nation

An interesting development in the Fakiegrind case was reported in the Steeltown Herald today:


Cars were lined up for blocks today, causing great traffic congestion in the north end as people waited to pay their respects to the fallen Agents from last Thursday's sneak attack on the Fakiegrind headquarters. The memorial service was held at Steeltown's new drive-thru funeral parlour--the first of its kind in central Canada.

Friends, family and fans of the Agents listened to the eulogy via their car radio sets while wating to pay their respects to the closed caskets behind the drive-by window of Lundy & Harrison's Memorial Services Inc on Catharine St.

Key streets in the downtown core were closed to regular traffic, and the Provincial Police were out in force, directing traffic and keeping the peace for the thousands of people mourning the loss of the internet blog authors/secret agents, whose popularity in recent months has approached minor rock star status.

Example
Motorists lined up to pass by the window of Lundy
& Harrison's in Steeltown. Photo by Tom


However, the gathered masses were put into an uproar when two of the Agents thought to be lost in Thursday's cataclysmic battle were apparently spotted attending their own memorial service!

Fakie Agents Em and Rock-steady, though reportedly fallen in the conflict known as the Great Smorgasbord, were seen in a dilapidated blue Honda waiting in the motorcade with the other well-wishers. Though they wore sunglasses and sported Van Dyke-style goatees, the sighting was corroborated by at least three different people and one cat.

Citizens are still trying to make sense of the sighting which has brought under question the accuracy of the report of the battle supplied by the entity know as the Watcher.